Scared Before and Now

Before my wife and I were married in told her I never wanted to get married or have kids. I realize this was simply because of how immature I was at the time. Now I am married and have kids.

Not wanting to have kids was a little more than immaturity though, it was deeper than that. I have health problems and there are a lot of freak health issues in my family. I can not say it is a gene or hereditary even though it might as well be. Things have not skipped a generation yet but the doctors assure me it is not. Anyways, this is why I did not want kids. I did not want to feel responsible for their pain or suffering.

Both my daughters has heart problem when they were very little. Both my daughters were part of high risk pregnancies. Both my daughters almost died in the womb and one almost killed my wife in the process. I can not control this. I have had to tell myself this repeatedly over the years. They could be fine from now on, or they could not. I have no control over it and it is ok. We can only control what we can control, the rest is just life.

Now my worry is the kind of world my daughters will be in when they are older. The presidential race is a crap shoot. There are new laws being passed which support discrimination hatred. Racism is alive and well. Terrorism is part of everyday conversation and it seems there is a new attack with multiple casualties every day. This is all, again, something I can not control. It scares the hell out of me. All I can do is raise my daughters right. Empower them, each them how to defend themselves, think for themselves and love others.

Some things we can not control and it is scary. Somethings we can control and it is still scary. It is ok to be scared. Either way, we have to act and do what we can with the situations presented to us.


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